Poems.

So I've always had this philosophy, that before one enters a relationship, they must have their life pretty much figured out.  At least spiritually. 

I have got to have every thing down.  Be perfectly on track with God.

Although this has truth, I've slowly begun to realize...

As long as we're alive, there's always something we don't have under control!

Maybe it's even as serious as an addiction.  But even if it's not, there's always going to be SOMETHING you don't have down pat, and if you think you have it all figured out, keep searching, because there's always room to learn.  

So I've given up this philosophy because I met this guy that I didn't want to keep waiting any longer while I figured something else out. 

He's helped me actually stay on track with God. 

Sometimes I worry that he might become more important than he should to me, but whatever is improving my relationship with Christ, is dang good enough for me to keep around.

This first poem was written after we were together, and I still had these thoughts of doubt and being unsure about all God wants for my life...

I Know

I can feel you listening to me.

I know you're there.

I can hear you in the silence.

I know you speak without words.

I can see you moving

everywhere but here.

I know you're alive.

I've felt you,

touched you,

seen you,

heard you,

loved you,

wanted you,

had you,

craved you,

believed you,

been loved by you.

And still.

I feel

like I don't know

You

and all you have for me.

Set me free

from my unbelief,

please.

And these poems express my gratitude and my heart because we are together, all written on the same day...

It's What Love Is

It's not just that I'm completely comfortable with you

It's not just that I know you'll always be there for me

It's not just that you're my best friend.

It's not just the way you make my heart smile

Or make me feel like I'm the only woman in the world.

It's not just that I want to be with you forever

Or that you're the only one I can see myself with for that long.

And it's not just that we've learned patience and how to love

But that I can see how much more we can grow.

It's that God did this.

It's that we both want to make Him proud.

When we are weak, He'll be strong in the other.

Trust, Commitment, Love

Will not be broken.

It's not just that I love you.

It's that because of God,

we know what Love is.

And poem numero dos...

How I Know

I want to feel everything that you feel.

I want to share your joy

your pain,

your sorrow and grief.

Your laughter, your love, your hopes and your dreams.

I want all of it.

The good

The bad

And the ugly.

I want to know all you are

And I want to love you with everything

Just like Christ has loved me.

So let us fall in love together.

You, Me,

and the Three.

Okay, so they're a bit sappy.  And some may even say a little too soon. 

But I say different.  This kid's been my best friend for the past two years, and I just can't see my life without him. I feel like this is it. 

And hey, there's the off-chance that it won't work out.  That I'll lose my best friend, (yet again) and that my heart will be crushed.  But even if that happens, my God is more than able to restore my heart. I know this because He has done it time and time again.

I guess what I should say to everyone, is not that you have everything down in your relationship with Christ, because there's way too much to work on there, but to make sure you've fallen in love with Him first.  

Your heart can't break beyond fixing if it belongs to the All-Powerful.  

And as for my last blog, yeah, I'm getting better.  If you deal with the same issues I do, just go to God.  I know, it can be the hardest and most difficult thing to do sometimes, especially if you're lazy or even actually like the feeling of being down in the dumps sometimes.  It's twisted, but it's true.  Pray for an event to bring you closer to God if you physically try everything and can't do it yourself.  

Of all people, I'm the one who hates generic Christian bumper sticker answers the most, but the phrase "Let go and let God" has been the most real in my life. 

I wish I had more advice to give, I wish I had everything down, but I just don't.

Like it is for everyone who is still alive, being a Christian is a battle. Don't take it personally, Satan wants to take down God's kingdom.  If you feel horrible or less than worthy, it's because he knows you can do something for God's kingdom, and he'll do anything to stop that. 

Don't let him.

I encourage you to keep your hopes up, and think positively as I try my hardest to do the same.

I don't get it.

Because I am a woman, I have about a billion mixed emotions right now, all directed at myself.

To name a few- disappointment, discouragement, tick-off-ed-ness, sadness, and yet, still a bit of happiness when I think hard about the positive things in my life.  

I've been a little down lately, and I could name a billion reasons why.

But let's focus on the positive.

My family is alive, and where there's life, there are chances for change.  

The friendships I've been keeping in tact are going very well. I got a phone call from my Lauren last night that was quite encouraging.  Can't wait to see her. =D

(I've been scheduling time with friends lately)

My newest blessing however, has been my Joshybear.  =D

And how everyone I talk to is okay with and even exclaiming the word, "Finally!" when speaking about our relationship. 

I've never had a wanting-to-please-God relationship before.

The waiting pays off.

This boy reminds me of who I am in Christ everyday, and he shows me almost the same kind of love.

We've both had to forgive each other for hurts in the past. I think I could take up my whole page with simply negative occurrences over the past year, but obviously I won't.

I like forgiveness.  I've grown accustom to it over the past 19 years of my life.  

And I think that's the problem. 

Josh and I listened to the song "The Alter and the Door" by Casting Crowns.  

(Surprisingly I'd never heard it before then)

And it's pretty much about living the Christian life based on feeling. 

At the alter you are convicted, you feel ashamed and you pray for forgiveness, but you walk out the door, the feeling is gone and all you have left is the same emptiness you started with before you walked in. So you go right back to the way you were. Numb, but happy you're not hurting. 

 

Feelings.

I think this is about the oldest Christian problem in the book.  

The sad part is when you get to the point where you know you did something wrong and you don't feel convicted about it, but ask for forgiveness anyway because you simply have knowledge that it is wrong.

Any stage downward after that sucks completely.

I'm not living in some secretive sin anymore, but I have almost the same problem.

God has asked me to do a few things, but I haven't done them yet, and I'd rather not face Him right now.  I'd rather ask for forgiveness and keep living my mediocre life. 

I took care of some of it last night, but mostly, I'm the same way. I've got the same feelings of loser-esqe-ness, and I'm a bit down because of it. 

I believe God can do great things. 

I have a rock from the service last weekend, and believe me, that service helped.

But it was still almost an alter and door situation.  

When will I stop letting discouragement control me?

I've been set free and re-chained again.

It IS all my fault, but I need to let that go. 

I'm tired and hungry.

I'm gunna go eat.

What is delusion?

Who has the right to tell me or you or anyone, that any of us are insane?

To some people, the belief in God is insanity, to others, the lack of belief is.  

So who's opinion is right when it comes to these issues? 

But of course, the answer that is more clear than the other must be right.

And doesn't that bring us back to opinion?

Has Earth evolved from primordial soup on the backs of crystals, or did God speak it into existence? 

Did Paul really mean that no woman should ever teach in a church?

Did God really tell me that this is where I'm supposed to be and who I'm supposed to be with?

Who's opinion is right?

My pastor's must be.

Then again, my father is right on that one... 

Can you see how trying to find the truth can be overly exhausting? 

In my opinion, the Bible is the ultimate truth because the Holy Spirit has lead me on many an adventure that relying on His Word - Jesus Christ was the only way to get through it.  

Then again, there are so many interpretations to the Bible. 

Who's is right?

I think Francis Chan hit it right on the money when he spoke of reading the Bible and letting the Holy Spirit guide you instead of being spoon-feed by so many other inputs. 

But what of those who have been searching the Word for answers, and in this they have found the ultimate answer of where they need to be and who they need to be with, and then it fails? 

Did God lead me astray?

Or were the desires of my heart in the way?

I have no ultimate answer to these questions. 

All I have is Faith. 

No matter where I end up, or who I end up with, I know God's got his hand wrapped around it. This is called peace. 

A peace in Christ that I can rest in no matter how bad the world gets.

I had to fight for this peace. 

And I still do, every day. 

Satan attacks on all sides.  He knows right where to tear through my head to get to my heart. 

And it's a fight.

Do I loose some battles?

Many.

Do I win the war?

Definitely.

Only because I'm on the winning side.

When I am wrong, I admit it, and I move on. 

God is on my side, He's got me covered.

No worries because he told me not to. 

(Philippians 4:6)

And if believing in this ultimate God who loves me and disciplines me as His own child, who so perfectly died for me, who is with me everyday of my life, is insanity, 

then sign me up for the loony bin.

My God is omnipresent, He'll be there too.

He's alive!!!

Death where is your sting? Grave your victory?
Jesus holds the key, forever and ever!!!!

Joy, peace, love, patience, victory! It is ours in Christ Jesus!
Never have I felt so alive!
Who knew that baptism would take me where I thought I'd never be again?
Obedience. That's all it was!
God's plan is so much better than our own.

I'm no failure, God is going to use me.
And I CAN'T WAIT for what's next!

Until then, all things are done for the Lord.
Oh the Joy, Oh the peace, is this Jesus in me.

Freedom.

My heart was beating much faster than I was comfortable with.
But isn't that what we're called to?
A life of leadership. Being comfortable would mean complacency, not change.

It was so embarassing to cry in front of my friends and aquaintances.
But isn't humility necessary?
Love requires that you put away pride.

Fear consumed me, until I took the first step...
This Good Friday, Troy spoke on hope again.
I've heard it before, but I allowed fear to take the place of my next step.

Going up was humbling for me. It was me admitting, that after years of trying to do this Christian thing right, I still don't sometimes.

I was baptized by Hal Mayor in January of '97 at the great age of 8.
I've been baptized, I've repented when I "went wrong" and have had different obstacles in my life that I trusted God with, finding peace and hope in Him.

Too bad the Christian walk doesn't end there. lol
What was this uneasiness in my heart about? Why was God so distant at the time I needed Him to reveal to me what the heck was wrong?
I was going through the motions, and for a while I was almost forcing myself to believe God's Word, because that's hard to do when hope is dead.

I was suposed to be alive in Christ, but I didn't even want to wake up to the days He had so graciously given me. I didn't realize until now, that I was spitting on the gift of life.

So what was the big change?
Persistance.

I didn't want to give up on the most genuine thing in my life jut because I didn't feel good at the time, and that made all the difference.
I asked people to pray for me, for God to reveal SOMETHING, ANYTHING.
And just because it's not what I wanted gives me no right to refuse it.

I didn't get a clear answer on what God wants me to do with my life. All I got was a reinforcing of something I already thought I knew.
Whatever you do, do it for the Lord.

Previously, I had failed to take steps for God, and it was still eating me alive.
The devil was winning, telling me that I'm a useless failure.
And I knew! I knew I wasn't, God made me for great things, but I didn't believe it.

I had let God down, and I was so very hard on myself for it.
I was out of my control, my family was out of my control, my workplace and my own schoolwork, my relationships, everything. And I hated it.
No matter how hard I worked, I only grew tired and discouraged.

Do I have all the answers yet?
Oh my dear, of course I don't.
But I'm going to start living life one step at a time, for the hundredth time.

Things won't happen when I want them to. And that's okay.
God's timing, God's plan.

It was a decade since I had been baptized when God called me to obey Him again last year, but I was afraid of what people would think.
No more. Tomorrow morning, I'm getting dunked one more time, because contrary to popular belief, I'm a completely different person now than I was at eight years old.

If I can do this, you can do whatever God is calling you to do.
I know the challenges will only increase.
You pray for me, I'll pray for you, and God will work through all of us.

Reality

What is reality?
Dictionaries define it- the state or quality of being real, resemblance to what is real, a real thing or fact.

Philosophy describes it as something that exists independently of ideas concerning it, something that constitutes a real or actual thing, as distinguished from something that is merely apparent.

For one person, reality can be poverty, another, wealth.
So one could say, there is no reality that all persons share, but it is simply perception of the life we've been handed.
For some, there is a fine line between reality and negativity because of this.

I believe in God's reality, where nothing is impossible. Because in my reality, a healthy relationship centered around Christ is impossible. Changing my attitude and discipline habits is impossible. And forget about changing the world.

Oh, but in God's reality, all these things and more are just waiting for me.
All I've got to do is wake up everyday and choose to believe God's reality instead of my own.
Trust God's leadership instead of my own, and I must say, the most difficult, to let go of what God does not want me to control.

For God's Glory

All I seem to hear lately are complaints about how Flamingo Road Church is not doing everything right. Things are too extreme and we're not glorifying God.

My rebuttal is this:
1. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean it won't work for someone else.
2. If we do screw up, no one is perfect.
3. Humans make mistakes and yes, even church leaders are human as well.
4. God hates negativity just as much as you hate whatever we might do wrong.
5. God can use ALL things for His glory.

I've been at this church for 15 years. Even though I was young, I've been old enough to understand the changes that were taking place. Depending upon opinion, some good, some bad.

Depending upon opinion.

In my opinion, the church is doing plenty of good. Do I disagree with a few things?
Sure, every once in a while, but voicing them when I have no plan of action is simply negative and ultimately what tears a church apart.
As a whole, when I think of Flamingo Road, I think of a church with a vision who takes extreme measures to spread the Word of God. In that, things can go wrong, but as a whole, this church is my home. When the little things bother me, I pray that God will bring peace to my soul.
If you try that, and you still can't stand the way we're doing things, that's perfectly okay. Join a church you feel comfortable in, but don't bash something that God can and will use for His glory.

Don't let the devil use you in bringing down something God can use.

The pharisees of Jesus' time made impossible rules to keep in order to be "holy". At the time, it wasn't so very religiously popular to go against the grain of those rules. People were beaten and killed for disobeying them, but Jesus brought revolution. Rebellion, leadership,
forgiveness.

Just because it isn't popular, doesn't mean it can't be used by God.

Just think about it.