I don't get it.

Because I am a woman, I have about a billion mixed emotions right now, all directed at myself.

To name a few- disappointment, discouragement, tick-off-ed-ness, sadness, and yet, still a bit of happiness when I think hard about the positive things in my life.  

I've been a little down lately, and I could name a billion reasons why.

But let's focus on the positive.

My family is alive, and where there's life, there are chances for change.  

The friendships I've been keeping in tact are going very well. I got a phone call from my Lauren last night that was quite encouraging.  Can't wait to see her. =D

(I've been scheduling time with friends lately)

My newest blessing however, has been my Joshybear.  =D

And how everyone I talk to is okay with and even exclaiming the word, "Finally!" when speaking about our relationship. 

I've never had a wanting-to-please-God relationship before.

The waiting pays off.

This boy reminds me of who I am in Christ everyday, and he shows me almost the same kind of love.

We've both had to forgive each other for hurts in the past. I think I could take up my whole page with simply negative occurrences over the past year, but obviously I won't.

I like forgiveness.  I've grown accustom to it over the past 19 years of my life.  

And I think that's the problem. 

Josh and I listened to the song "The Alter and the Door" by Casting Crowns.  

(Surprisingly I'd never heard it before then)

And it's pretty much about living the Christian life based on feeling. 

At the alter you are convicted, you feel ashamed and you pray for forgiveness, but you walk out the door, the feeling is gone and all you have left is the same emptiness you started with before you walked in. So you go right back to the way you were. Numb, but happy you're not hurting. 

 

Feelings.

I think this is about the oldest Christian problem in the book.  

The sad part is when you get to the point where you know you did something wrong and you don't feel convicted about it, but ask for forgiveness anyway because you simply have knowledge that it is wrong.

Any stage downward after that sucks completely.

I'm not living in some secretive sin anymore, but I have almost the same problem.

God has asked me to do a few things, but I haven't done them yet, and I'd rather not face Him right now.  I'd rather ask for forgiveness and keep living my mediocre life. 

I took care of some of it last night, but mostly, I'm the same way. I've got the same feelings of loser-esqe-ness, and I'm a bit down because of it. 

I believe God can do great things. 

I have a rock from the service last weekend, and believe me, that service helped.

But it was still almost an alter and door situation.  

When will I stop letting discouragement control me?

I've been set free and re-chained again.

It IS all my fault, but I need to let that go. 

I'm tired and hungry.

I'm gunna go eat.