Poems.

So I've always had this philosophy, that before one enters a relationship, they must have their life pretty much figured out.  At least spiritually. 

I have got to have every thing down.  Be perfectly on track with God.

Although this has truth, I've slowly begun to realize...

As long as we're alive, there's always something we don't have under control!

Maybe it's even as serious as an addiction.  But even if it's not, there's always going to be SOMETHING you don't have down pat, and if you think you have it all figured out, keep searching, because there's always room to learn.  

So I've given up this philosophy because I met this guy that I didn't want to keep waiting any longer while I figured something else out. 

He's helped me actually stay on track with God. 

Sometimes I worry that he might become more important than he should to me, but whatever is improving my relationship with Christ, is dang good enough for me to keep around.

This first poem was written after we were together, and I still had these thoughts of doubt and being unsure about all God wants for my life...

I Know

I can feel you listening to me.

I know you're there.

I can hear you in the silence.

I know you speak without words.

I can see you moving

everywhere but here.

I know you're alive.

I've felt you,

touched you,

seen you,

heard you,

loved you,

wanted you,

had you,

craved you,

believed you,

been loved by you.

And still.

I feel

like I don't know

You

and all you have for me.

Set me free

from my unbelief,

please.

And these poems express my gratitude and my heart because we are together, all written on the same day...

It's What Love Is

It's not just that I'm completely comfortable with you

It's not just that I know you'll always be there for me

It's not just that you're my best friend.

It's not just the way you make my heart smile

Or make me feel like I'm the only woman in the world.

It's not just that I want to be with you forever

Or that you're the only one I can see myself with for that long.

And it's not just that we've learned patience and how to love

But that I can see how much more we can grow.

It's that God did this.

It's that we both want to make Him proud.

When we are weak, He'll be strong in the other.

Trust, Commitment, Love

Will not be broken.

It's not just that I love you.

It's that because of God,

we know what Love is.

And poem numero dos...

How I Know

I want to feel everything that you feel.

I want to share your joy

your pain,

your sorrow and grief.

Your laughter, your love, your hopes and your dreams.

I want all of it.

The good

The bad

And the ugly.

I want to know all you are

And I want to love you with everything

Just like Christ has loved me.

So let us fall in love together.

You, Me,

and the Three.

Okay, so they're a bit sappy.  And some may even say a little too soon. 

But I say different.  This kid's been my best friend for the past two years, and I just can't see my life without him. I feel like this is it. 

And hey, there's the off-chance that it won't work out.  That I'll lose my best friend, (yet again) and that my heart will be crushed.  But even if that happens, my God is more than able to restore my heart. I know this because He has done it time and time again.

I guess what I should say to everyone, is not that you have everything down in your relationship with Christ, because there's way too much to work on there, but to make sure you've fallen in love with Him first.  

Your heart can't break beyond fixing if it belongs to the All-Powerful.  

And as for my last blog, yeah, I'm getting better.  If you deal with the same issues I do, just go to God.  I know, it can be the hardest and most difficult thing to do sometimes, especially if you're lazy or even actually like the feeling of being down in the dumps sometimes.  It's twisted, but it's true.  Pray for an event to bring you closer to God if you physically try everything and can't do it yourself.  

Of all people, I'm the one who hates generic Christian bumper sticker answers the most, but the phrase "Let go and let God" has been the most real in my life. 

I wish I had more advice to give, I wish I had everything down, but I just don't.

Like it is for everyone who is still alive, being a Christian is a battle. Don't take it personally, Satan wants to take down God's kingdom.  If you feel horrible or less than worthy, it's because he knows you can do something for God's kingdom, and he'll do anything to stop that. 

Don't let him.

I encourage you to keep your hopes up, and think positively as I try my hardest to do the same.

I don't get it.

Because I am a woman, I have about a billion mixed emotions right now, all directed at myself.

To name a few- disappointment, discouragement, tick-off-ed-ness, sadness, and yet, still a bit of happiness when I think hard about the positive things in my life.  

I've been a little down lately, and I could name a billion reasons why.

But let's focus on the positive.

My family is alive, and where there's life, there are chances for change.  

The friendships I've been keeping in tact are going very well. I got a phone call from my Lauren last night that was quite encouraging.  Can't wait to see her. =D

(I've been scheduling time with friends lately)

My newest blessing however, has been my Joshybear.  =D

And how everyone I talk to is okay with and even exclaiming the word, "Finally!" when speaking about our relationship. 

I've never had a wanting-to-please-God relationship before.

The waiting pays off.

This boy reminds me of who I am in Christ everyday, and he shows me almost the same kind of love.

We've both had to forgive each other for hurts in the past. I think I could take up my whole page with simply negative occurrences over the past year, but obviously I won't.

I like forgiveness.  I've grown accustom to it over the past 19 years of my life.  

And I think that's the problem. 

Josh and I listened to the song "The Alter and the Door" by Casting Crowns.  

(Surprisingly I'd never heard it before then)

And it's pretty much about living the Christian life based on feeling. 

At the alter you are convicted, you feel ashamed and you pray for forgiveness, but you walk out the door, the feeling is gone and all you have left is the same emptiness you started with before you walked in. So you go right back to the way you were. Numb, but happy you're not hurting. 

 

Feelings.

I think this is about the oldest Christian problem in the book.  

The sad part is when you get to the point where you know you did something wrong and you don't feel convicted about it, but ask for forgiveness anyway because you simply have knowledge that it is wrong.

Any stage downward after that sucks completely.

I'm not living in some secretive sin anymore, but I have almost the same problem.

God has asked me to do a few things, but I haven't done them yet, and I'd rather not face Him right now.  I'd rather ask for forgiveness and keep living my mediocre life. 

I took care of some of it last night, but mostly, I'm the same way. I've got the same feelings of loser-esqe-ness, and I'm a bit down because of it. 

I believe God can do great things. 

I have a rock from the service last weekend, and believe me, that service helped.

But it was still almost an alter and door situation.  

When will I stop letting discouragement control me?

I've been set free and re-chained again.

It IS all my fault, but I need to let that go. 

I'm tired and hungry.

I'm gunna go eat.