Have a freakin cry fest why dontcha?

This weekend has been the most emotional weekend I've had in a while.
It could have been hormonal, but I really did think about a lot.
Friends. Most of all my friend who's been going through what is unimaginable to me.
She's so strong. I cry for her.
Family. Most of all my immediate family, what will happen for us in the future.
Sometimes I loose hope, but I cry out for peace.
Myself. I didn't know how many issues I carried in my heart. I disguised my fear with what I thought was a different purpose for my life.
I love Lauren and all the girls I meet with Sunday, really, you've helped me more than you know.

God reveals things to us in intervals.
We deal with different things at different times according to God's plan.
This weekend however, oh, how I learned about peace.

Everyone says it, "This peace in Christ that I've found!"
And sure, I've had God moments that can be explained as peaceful, but in realization that it can truly be well with your soul is unexplainable.

Love is patient, God proves this with how rediculously patient He is with me.
How many times have I failed and then complained about the same thing?
How long did it take me to finally understand waht God was trying to tell me?
Ah, patience.

I love how God puts people in our lives to help us with all we need.
Now that I know what I need to do, I have a new hope in the fact that God is there.
My friends are there, my family is there, and often I get those two confused by how close my church family is. lol

I'm actually excited to submit my whole world to God tomorrow.
I'm waking up and embracing my morning with a work out of worship =D

God didn't only give us new years, months and weeks to refocus, everyday is a brand new day.
And oh, I can't wait for the morning.

You asked for it...

Since I don't have much to write about lately and/or I don't have much time to write about anything, I haven't much been on blogger.com to do just that.
BUT, and that's a big butt... [HAHA punny.]
I have had blogs on myspace that I particularly liked, so I picked seven to highlight all that I accomplished/had an epiphany about last year. And here they are...

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

So I can't save the world... Prayer. Sometimes it is the only thing that keeps this heart beating with purpose - with some kind of hope. Sometimes I feel it does nothing. I pray for everyone I know that I see falling, even myself. Especially my family and close friends. I see pain, and no solution. I've heard stories of people waiting a numerous amount of years for their prayers to be answered - but after waiting that long, doesn't it become coincidence that what they wanted to happen came about? It's just like the Big Bang Theory I guess. Everything on this earth is so intricately and delicately put together, right down to human anatomy - but it was just coincidence. A random explosion put us all together here and it worked out perfectly that we formed into the human beings we are today. It was coincidence - chance. I'm going to go with something that makes more sense. God makes more sense. I'll wait for my prayers to be answered, even though God chooses not to control an individuals choice (hence the messed up world) I'll wait, and pray without ceasing. Even if I have to wait 30 years, I will continue to pray for those I care deeply about. I'm going to hold on to this last shred of hope, and I choose not to let my faith - who I am in Christ - break. I have a feeling I won't be let down too harshly.

Friday, June 15, 2007

PERU '07 Current mood: absolutely joyous It's a glimpse at what matters most. A shred of truth. I believe we waste a lot of time that is spent not helping others. Okay. You can't go to Peru. But here are a few numbers to think about… 22.6% of Peru is below the poverty line. 20% of America is below the poverty line. A mission trip is amazing. It's physically, emotionally, but most of all spiritually exhausting. And I didn't want to leave. I've realized that the more fortunate were put here so we could help the less fortunate. Why would God put misfortune on Earth anyway? It's simply sin. Everyone suffers in different ways. They suffer with poverty. But who is better off really? The poverty stricken or the brainwashed who think that wealth is all there is to life? All of the children in Peru were extremely friendly. They wanted to hug and love on you, just because. They saw the importance of human decency, and never ceased to smile. I got back to America and was astonished by the mood change already. Just sitting in the airport there was a couple who seemed to care more about looks than their own daughter. (I hate plastic surgery- it screams, "I'm unhappy with myself.") I smiled at the little girl who looked only a year older than Sierra, and there was no emotion on her face. Just a blank stare. At three years old a little girl had already been trained not to smile. And I wanted to cry. In the middle of poverty, unknown faces showed up and were still welcomed with open arms, hearts, and smiles. Back home, the best I got was a blank stare. Where has the happiness gone? I'll tell you. It's in the eyes of the homeless when you hand them a blanket and shelter. It's in the hungry when you give them something to eat. It's in the hopeless, when you tell them about the love of Christ. That's where I find my happiness and my peace. That's where I know God is love. A tribe we went to told us that we were the answer to their prayers. If you ask Him to, God will work through you. He did just that for me. If you want to feel like life is worth living, do something that helps others live.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

ah. Current mood: ugh. I'm tired of myself. I want to be replaced. Ihatethikingaboutyou. But mostly Ihatemissingyou. I hate my past that keeps affecting my present. And my present that keeps me from my future. I still don't understand myself one bit. And I don't believe I'm getting any closer. God help me, literally. lol He normally gets me on my way. Slowly but surely, I'll go back to who I loved myself being. Who I was in summer of 06.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

swings Current mood: breathless I felt like a child again. I do every time I reunite myself with my childhood playground favorite - the swing. But this was different. I went to that place he took me. I almost tried to contact him and ask him where it was, but decided to actually give him space this time. It's a miracle I found it by myself. I remember nothing... except for the meaningful apparently. I found myself there, praying, swinging, breathing, praying. A few times, I felt a presence so real I had to open my eyes. I wished he'd drive up. Of course he didn't. He was still in school. It's best he didn't anyway, but I still wished he did. As I swung and prayed, I felt a release and a new freedom. I could have stayed there for hours. The smell of freshly cut grass, the sun warm on my face, the wind blowing through my hair. Peace. Sure, I still miss him. If I didn't, I'm not sure what led me to that spot. But in going back, I found a little bit of me again. Right now, I listen to "Everything" by lifehouse. And it's this music that goes perfectly with my time on the swing. "You calm the storms, and you give me breath. You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall. You steal my heart and you take my breath away. Would you take me in? Take me deeper now." "And how can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you?" "...How could it be any better than this?" '"Cause youre all I want! You're all I need! You're everything! Everything!! You're all I want, all I need, everything!!" Music playing, I'll raise my hands, I'll scream it out, I've lived the play. God Is Amazing.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Oh, how God has blessed me. Current mood: hopeful (it’s been a theme of mine lately) Today I was blessed with the opportunity to help a strong woman, who in need, humbled herself before her family. We finished putting the supplies into the back of her van without a tear shed, and then we hugged. There is just something about the human touch. The act of giving is great, but with a hug, we pronounce compassion - love and care that brings forth action. My family has been blessed with all we need so that we can have the blessing of helping others when they are in need. I just hope that hearing of this can stir others to action. I strongly believe that with faith in prayer and good deeds, we can change the world.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Angry. Current mood: annoyed What to do when all you hear is negative? Leaders aren't leading. Preachers aren't teaching. Where in hell did the love go? I had always strruggled with following what God wants, that's why I never took a leadership position before. If you choose to lead, you choose to have followers. So don't screw it up. Plain and simple. You wanted the position, so claim it. Tell people about the Bible, and for human's sake, live it. The one thing I hear from almost EVERYONE I invited to church at one point or another is that they don't feel like dealing with hypocrites. If you, a person who chose to have a higher position in the church of all things, don't lead by example - you're sending people to hell. Yes, you're human, and you believe Jesus died for your sins. But don't abuse the privelage. If you cared one bit about anyone but yourself, you'd either step down from your position or you'd make things right. There is a HUGE difference between living for God yet being human and occasionally screwing things up, and living for yourself in ignorance. You know the difference, I know the difference, but most important - and I can't stress this enough - the unsaved notice the difference. By all means, live for yourself. God will find someone to carry out His will if you don't help. But don't be on the enemy's side in bringing the Christian image down to the cliche of hypocracy. Now is a time to change people's perception of us. No kidding, I'm not perfect, but at least I'm realizing my flaws and relying on God to help me overcome them. So much of this life is a choice. So go ahead, live in the mindset of "ignorance is bliss" But don't you be surprised when Jesus pulls you aside the pearly gates and asks, "My child, why did you not love me?"

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Can I just stop to breathe? Current mood: thirsty Ever just have one of those weeks? Busy, hectic, but most of all spiritually draining. It's hard to realize what your faults are, and THEN choose to fix them. But it's coming along. Despite my ignorance of time-management and fitting God in, He used me. There was nothing like the look on their faces. Christmas is all about giving. My family even had an opprotunity to help - and they took it. I think this good deed thing is contagious. Sure, it's the holiday season, but I hope with all my heart that this mood doesn't dissapear when the ball drops. I only hope to get closer to the one who so willingly uses me when I offer to. Next time I hope to have more energy. If I fix the things that need fixing, I will. I can't wait till Passion. Finals tomorrow and Thursday, then I'm done. I still don't know if I'm working tomorrow. I hope baby's okay. Ugh, there's so much on my mind it's sick. I expect no one to understand this completely. Instead of worrying, pray. I'm gonna go do that.

Okay, so a couple of them were strange. But that's my last year of blog-life in a nutshell.
If you still crave some more of me, I'll be writing just as soon as something interesting happens, I promise. =D
Love you all!
(Yes, even you.)