My biggest fear is failure, and that is what keeps me from doing most everything that God has asked me to do.
Oh yeah, my other fear is not carrying out the will of God.
So I've been thinking a lot about whether or not this whole MK business is of God's will, AND I fear that I will fail at this. I fear that my parents and friends will be disappointed, and that some people might even get the pleasure of telling me, "I told you so."
I don't know who would, but that's a fear anyway.
Last weekends service, (although for it was for men) hit me on the spot.
My heart felt like I should have gone up and got a necklace that stated, "You're my daughter, and I'm proud of you." but of course I didn't. It might have been too weird for other people.
I care too much about what other people think.
I guess that's the root of fearing failure.
So of course, when the person I love most and I get to giving sarcastic comments to each other, (which is usually normal and doesn't bother me) I blow up and take it too far, because I'm insecure and I had been offended.
Why is it I always hurt the person I want to love the most?
It's because I try to take control of loving.
God is love, so when I try to do anything without Him, I do it without love.
It's actually quite annoying.
So finally, after a long talk about all that was wrong with me... lol
We made up, and of course I feel better.
I don't deserve this man who gets on his knee and promises to deal with my mood swings.
I don't deserve someone who vows to take care of me forever, no matter how badly I hurt him.
But God blesses.
And now I cry, because I think of all the many times I hurt Christ without thinking twice about it. I think about how he is way more loving than any human ever could be, and I'm in awe of how amazing He is.
Who am I to receive forgiveness?
Much less abundant blessings.
Why me?
So although it racks my brain, I'm accepting this love.
I'm accepting that I need to refuel myself with it everyday in order to live the life He wants to give me. And I'm accepting that wherever I am, He's right there with me, even if I am about to fail.
Proverbs 16:3 says, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."
And I can't even begin to number how many passages in the Bible tell us not to worry.
So no matter what I do, I just need to commit it to God.
I meet plenty of new people in this business, why not be a witness?
Wherever you are, you're right where God wants you to be.
(Unless of course you've just committed murder or something.)
Don't worry about accomplishing His will. Just work on your character.
Don't be afraid to fail, because only one opinion matters.
"Shake it off"
And be all God has made you to be.
