No Christ, No Love

Since I've signed up for Mary Kay, I've been extremely worried. 

My biggest fear is failure, and that is what keeps me from doing most everything that God has asked me to do. 

Oh yeah, my other fear is not carrying out the will of God. 

So I've been thinking a lot about whether or not this whole MK business is of God's will, AND I fear that I will fail at this.  I fear that my parents and friends will be disappointed, and that some people might even get the pleasure of telling me, "I told you so."

I don't know who would, but that's a fear anyway. 

Last weekends service, (although for it was for men) hit me on the spot. 

My heart felt like I should have gone up and got a necklace that stated, "You're my daughter, and I'm proud of you." but of course I didn't.  It might have been too weird for other people. 

I care too much about what other people think. 

I guess that's the root of fearing failure. 

So of course, when the person I love most and I get to giving sarcastic comments to each other, (which is usually normal and doesn't bother me) I blow up and take it too far, because I'm insecure and I had been offended. 

Why is it I always hurt the person I want to love the most? 

It's because I try to take control of loving. 

God is love, so when I try to do anything without Him, I do it without love. 

It's actually quite annoying. 

So finally, after a long talk about all that was wrong with me... lol

We made up, and of course I feel better. 

I don't deserve this man who gets on his knee and promises to deal with my mood swings.

I don't deserve someone who vows to take care of me forever, no matter how badly I hurt him.

But God blesses. 

And now I cry, because I think of all the many times I hurt Christ without thinking twice about it. I think about how he is way more loving than any human ever could be, and I'm in awe of how amazing He is. 

Who am I to receive forgiveness?

Much less abundant blessings. 

Why me?

So although it racks my brain, I'm accepting this love. 

I'm accepting that I need to refuel myself with it everyday in order to live the life He wants to give me. And I'm accepting that wherever I am, He's right there with me, even if I am about to fail. 

Proverbs 16:3 says, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."

And I can't even begin to number how many passages in the Bible tell us not to worry.

So no matter what I do, I just need to commit it to God. 

I meet plenty of new people in this business, why not be a witness?

Wherever you are, you're right where God wants you to be. 

(Unless of course you've just committed murder or something.)

Don't worry about accomplishing His will.  Just work on your character.

Don't be afraid to fail, because only one opinion matters. 

"Shake it off" 

And be all God has made you to be. 

"I wish I could throw off the thoughts which poison my happiness. And yet I take a kind of pleasure in indulging them." -Chopin

Listening to his classic, Fantasy Impromptu, I feel as though I know what Chopin meant when he wrote this song. 

It's fast, then slow, then crazy, then calm. 

Yep, like life. It's "like a box of chocolates."

But I think he was dealing with more than circumstance.

Rather, I'd like to think he struggled with emotion. 

Sometimes, life's crazy twists and turns aren't what get me. 

It's the normal. 

I might even crave for a twist, maybe even a jolt of pain to justify the way I'm feeling.

But I am left with no reason.

I have no explanation of why my emotions betray me. 

Things just are they way they are.

No words can express all that one deals with emotionally, spiritually, relationally.

None whatsoever.  

To accomplish that, one would need a mix of keys beautifully pressed in sequence to make the most sense on paper than words ever could.

Poems.

So I've always had this philosophy, that before one enters a relationship, they must have their life pretty much figured out.  At least spiritually. 

I have got to have every thing down.  Be perfectly on track with God.

Although this has truth, I've slowly begun to realize...

As long as we're alive, there's always something we don't have under control!

Maybe it's even as serious as an addiction.  But even if it's not, there's always going to be SOMETHING you don't have down pat, and if you think you have it all figured out, keep searching, because there's always room to learn.  

So I've given up this philosophy because I met this guy that I didn't want to keep waiting any longer while I figured something else out. 

He's helped me actually stay on track with God. 

Sometimes I worry that he might become more important than he should to me, but whatever is improving my relationship with Christ, is dang good enough for me to keep around.

This first poem was written after we were together, and I still had these thoughts of doubt and being unsure about all God wants for my life...

I Know

I can feel you listening to me.

I know you're there.

I can hear you in the silence.

I know you speak without words.

I can see you moving

everywhere but here.

I know you're alive.

I've felt you,

touched you,

seen you,

heard you,

loved you,

wanted you,

had you,

craved you,

believed you,

been loved by you.

And still.

I feel

like I don't know

You

and all you have for me.

Set me free

from my unbelief,

please.

And these poems express my gratitude and my heart because we are together, all written on the same day...

It's What Love Is

It's not just that I'm completely comfortable with you

It's not just that I know you'll always be there for me

It's not just that you're my best friend.

It's not just the way you make my heart smile

Or make me feel like I'm the only woman in the world.

It's not just that I want to be with you forever

Or that you're the only one I can see myself with for that long.

And it's not just that we've learned patience and how to love

But that I can see how much more we can grow.

It's that God did this.

It's that we both want to make Him proud.

When we are weak, He'll be strong in the other.

Trust, Commitment, Love

Will not be broken.

It's not just that I love you.

It's that because of God,

we know what Love is.

And poem numero dos...

How I Know

I want to feel everything that you feel.

I want to share your joy

your pain,

your sorrow and grief.

Your laughter, your love, your hopes and your dreams.

I want all of it.

The good

The bad

And the ugly.

I want to know all you are

And I want to love you with everything

Just like Christ has loved me.

So let us fall in love together.

You, Me,

and the Three.

Okay, so they're a bit sappy.  And some may even say a little too soon. 

But I say different.  This kid's been my best friend for the past two years, and I just can't see my life without him. I feel like this is it. 

And hey, there's the off-chance that it won't work out.  That I'll lose my best friend, (yet again) and that my heart will be crushed.  But even if that happens, my God is more than able to restore my heart. I know this because He has done it time and time again.

I guess what I should say to everyone, is not that you have everything down in your relationship with Christ, because there's way too much to work on there, but to make sure you've fallen in love with Him first.  

Your heart can't break beyond fixing if it belongs to the All-Powerful.  

And as for my last blog, yeah, I'm getting better.  If you deal with the same issues I do, just go to God.  I know, it can be the hardest and most difficult thing to do sometimes, especially if you're lazy or even actually like the feeling of being down in the dumps sometimes.  It's twisted, but it's true.  Pray for an event to bring you closer to God if you physically try everything and can't do it yourself.  

Of all people, I'm the one who hates generic Christian bumper sticker answers the most, but the phrase "Let go and let God" has been the most real in my life. 

I wish I had more advice to give, I wish I had everything down, but I just don't.

Like it is for everyone who is still alive, being a Christian is a battle. Don't take it personally, Satan wants to take down God's kingdom.  If you feel horrible or less than worthy, it's because he knows you can do something for God's kingdom, and he'll do anything to stop that. 

Don't let him.

I encourage you to keep your hopes up, and think positively as I try my hardest to do the same.

I don't get it.

Because I am a woman, I have about a billion mixed emotions right now, all directed at myself.

To name a few- disappointment, discouragement, tick-off-ed-ness, sadness, and yet, still a bit of happiness when I think hard about the positive things in my life.  

I've been a little down lately, and I could name a billion reasons why.

But let's focus on the positive.

My family is alive, and where there's life, there are chances for change.  

The friendships I've been keeping in tact are going very well. I got a phone call from my Lauren last night that was quite encouraging.  Can't wait to see her. =D

(I've been scheduling time with friends lately)

My newest blessing however, has been my Joshybear.  =D

And how everyone I talk to is okay with and even exclaiming the word, "Finally!" when speaking about our relationship. 

I've never had a wanting-to-please-God relationship before.

The waiting pays off.

This boy reminds me of who I am in Christ everyday, and he shows me almost the same kind of love.

We've both had to forgive each other for hurts in the past. I think I could take up my whole page with simply negative occurrences over the past year, but obviously I won't.

I like forgiveness.  I've grown accustom to it over the past 19 years of my life.  

And I think that's the problem. 

Josh and I listened to the song "The Alter and the Door" by Casting Crowns.  

(Surprisingly I'd never heard it before then)

And it's pretty much about living the Christian life based on feeling. 

At the alter you are convicted, you feel ashamed and you pray for forgiveness, but you walk out the door, the feeling is gone and all you have left is the same emptiness you started with before you walked in. So you go right back to the way you were. Numb, but happy you're not hurting. 

 

Feelings.

I think this is about the oldest Christian problem in the book.  

The sad part is when you get to the point where you know you did something wrong and you don't feel convicted about it, but ask for forgiveness anyway because you simply have knowledge that it is wrong.

Any stage downward after that sucks completely.

I'm not living in some secretive sin anymore, but I have almost the same problem.

God has asked me to do a few things, but I haven't done them yet, and I'd rather not face Him right now.  I'd rather ask for forgiveness and keep living my mediocre life. 

I took care of some of it last night, but mostly, I'm the same way. I've got the same feelings of loser-esqe-ness, and I'm a bit down because of it. 

I believe God can do great things. 

I have a rock from the service last weekend, and believe me, that service helped.

But it was still almost an alter and door situation.  

When will I stop letting discouragement control me?

I've been set free and re-chained again.

It IS all my fault, but I need to let that go. 

I'm tired and hungry.

I'm gunna go eat.

What is delusion?

Who has the right to tell me or you or anyone, that any of us are insane?

To some people, the belief in God is insanity, to others, the lack of belief is.  

So who's opinion is right when it comes to these issues? 

But of course, the answer that is more clear than the other must be right.

And doesn't that bring us back to opinion?

Has Earth evolved from primordial soup on the backs of crystals, or did God speak it into existence? 

Did Paul really mean that no woman should ever teach in a church?

Did God really tell me that this is where I'm supposed to be and who I'm supposed to be with?

Who's opinion is right?

My pastor's must be.

Then again, my father is right on that one... 

Can you see how trying to find the truth can be overly exhausting? 

In my opinion, the Bible is the ultimate truth because the Holy Spirit has lead me on many an adventure that relying on His Word - Jesus Christ was the only way to get through it.  

Then again, there are so many interpretations to the Bible. 

Who's is right?

I think Francis Chan hit it right on the money when he spoke of reading the Bible and letting the Holy Spirit guide you instead of being spoon-feed by so many other inputs. 

But what of those who have been searching the Word for answers, and in this they have found the ultimate answer of where they need to be and who they need to be with, and then it fails? 

Did God lead me astray?

Or were the desires of my heart in the way?

I have no ultimate answer to these questions. 

All I have is Faith. 

No matter where I end up, or who I end up with, I know God's got his hand wrapped around it. This is called peace. 

A peace in Christ that I can rest in no matter how bad the world gets.

I had to fight for this peace. 

And I still do, every day. 

Satan attacks on all sides.  He knows right where to tear through my head to get to my heart. 

And it's a fight.

Do I loose some battles?

Many.

Do I win the war?

Definitely.

Only because I'm on the winning side.

When I am wrong, I admit it, and I move on. 

God is on my side, He's got me covered.

No worries because he told me not to. 

(Philippians 4:6)

And if believing in this ultimate God who loves me and disciplines me as His own child, who so perfectly died for me, who is with me everyday of my life, is insanity, 

then sign me up for the loony bin.

My God is omnipresent, He'll be there too.

He's alive!!!

Death where is your sting? Grave your victory?
Jesus holds the key, forever and ever!!!!

Joy, peace, love, patience, victory! It is ours in Christ Jesus!
Never have I felt so alive!
Who knew that baptism would take me where I thought I'd never be again?
Obedience. That's all it was!
God's plan is so much better than our own.

I'm no failure, God is going to use me.
And I CAN'T WAIT for what's next!

Until then, all things are done for the Lord.
Oh the Joy, Oh the peace, is this Jesus in me.

Freedom.

My heart was beating much faster than I was comfortable with.
But isn't that what we're called to?
A life of leadership. Being comfortable would mean complacency, not change.

It was so embarassing to cry in front of my friends and aquaintances.
But isn't humility necessary?
Love requires that you put away pride.

Fear consumed me, until I took the first step...
This Good Friday, Troy spoke on hope again.
I've heard it before, but I allowed fear to take the place of my next step.

Going up was humbling for me. It was me admitting, that after years of trying to do this Christian thing right, I still don't sometimes.

I was baptized by Hal Mayor in January of '97 at the great age of 8.
I've been baptized, I've repented when I "went wrong" and have had different obstacles in my life that I trusted God with, finding peace and hope in Him.

Too bad the Christian walk doesn't end there. lol
What was this uneasiness in my heart about? Why was God so distant at the time I needed Him to reveal to me what the heck was wrong?
I was going through the motions, and for a while I was almost forcing myself to believe God's Word, because that's hard to do when hope is dead.

I was suposed to be alive in Christ, but I didn't even want to wake up to the days He had so graciously given me. I didn't realize until now, that I was spitting on the gift of life.

So what was the big change?
Persistance.

I didn't want to give up on the most genuine thing in my life jut because I didn't feel good at the time, and that made all the difference.
I asked people to pray for me, for God to reveal SOMETHING, ANYTHING.
And just because it's not what I wanted gives me no right to refuse it.

I didn't get a clear answer on what God wants me to do with my life. All I got was a reinforcing of something I already thought I knew.
Whatever you do, do it for the Lord.

Previously, I had failed to take steps for God, and it was still eating me alive.
The devil was winning, telling me that I'm a useless failure.
And I knew! I knew I wasn't, God made me for great things, but I didn't believe it.

I had let God down, and I was so very hard on myself for it.
I was out of my control, my family was out of my control, my workplace and my own schoolwork, my relationships, everything. And I hated it.
No matter how hard I worked, I only grew tired and discouraged.

Do I have all the answers yet?
Oh my dear, of course I don't.
But I'm going to start living life one step at a time, for the hundredth time.

Things won't happen when I want them to. And that's okay.
God's timing, God's plan.

It was a decade since I had been baptized when God called me to obey Him again last year, but I was afraid of what people would think.
No more. Tomorrow morning, I'm getting dunked one more time, because contrary to popular belief, I'm a completely different person now than I was at eight years old.

If I can do this, you can do whatever God is calling you to do.
I know the challenges will only increase.
You pray for me, I'll pray for you, and God will work through all of us.